The Goog Nooz Is...

Medical fatigue.  No.  Ailment fatigue?  Treatment fatigue. I could come up with a term, look up a term or explain to you what I mean.  Alright. I've had enough of being prodded, propped up, hovered over,  pricked, examined and fussed over as a candidate for dear old death. Therefore, when my body acts up, which is happening right now, I measure whether I need to see any medical personnel (including pharmacists) based on my own mortality probability scale.  Ideally, one shouldn't go see a medic at every sound the body makes, but I'm particularly averse to seeing a medic at the moment because of the multiple hospital visits in the last few months.  So, I get on with this kangaroo court measurement system. It's really simple.  I make up the qualifying questions as I go.  Is it an infection? If so, is it likely to affect fluid build-up in my lungs? No? Then I stay put and hope it goes away.  Do I feel any discomfort and pain? Yes? Then I'll...

Okay. This is where I unpeel. I've dragged you into my journey with health. You cheer me on, but you're not 100% sure what's going on. So here's a laundry list with a timeliness. Hopefully it will make certain sense.    1. Buckle up.   2006 - Pregnancy. Hypertension. Snoring. Acid reflux. 2007 onwards - Getting higher doses of hypertension medications and being told to lose weight. Medical apathy. 2018 - Iron deficiency started showing up. I was not aware, until later.  mid-2019 - Breathing difficulties manifest at odd times. Started on steroids. Important to remember.  2019 - Enlarged heart detected. 2029 (Dec) - Personal paranoia about SARSCOV2 hits high inside me. Causing me to be a hermit ahead of the lockdown. Feb 2020 - Asthma diagnosis. Fear of COVID19 contraction escalates. March 2020 - The cardiomegaly continues (fancy way of saying, “Your heart's too big and not in a good way.) 2020 - Partaking in the collective insanity. 2021 August - Vaccinated again...

This was on my penultimate day in hospital. One of the hospital managers took special care to relate a new experience she had.  Here's the gist of the dialogue. Head nurse👩‍⚕️: Oh darling. I must tell you a story. You know how I hang out here with the nurses sometimes. I was here last night and yho! Hehehee Me👩🏾‍🦱: *confused and sleepy* Ahh yes. Hahaa.  👩‍⚕️ (continues talking and actually sits next to me 😬): Last night, I could hear Mr So-so really bringing down the house with his loud snores (continues to chuckle uncontrollably)  I went to his bed to check, and my gosh, he was sleeping so soundly. I was in shock.  👩🏾‍🦱: Oh. Hey. Look at that. Poor Mr So-so. He was innocent. (Me contemplating ending this conversation) So, was it me and not him?  👩‍⚕️(really wants to tell the story, while leaping from side to side on her chair. So I indulge her. Big smile on.): No, I said to the nurses, the noise comes from room 6. They looked at each other and star...

Let your guard down. You're allowed to show signs of strain. It's okay not to be okay.  All words that I held in contempt for some time in my elderly youth (30s). Then I experienced a shift and I love it.  I now pride myself in being a soft, chewy-centered person who openly cries with and for others.  I pride myself in allowing the rain in and letting my feet stand in stagnant water while I becry my minor inconveniences. I refuse to be a ‘mbokodo.’ I am not a strong black woman, I'm a soft marshmallow baby.  With frequent hospital visits, due to a dramatic heart, I have had many opportunities to lay my spirit at the feet of friends and loved ones who just want to make me smile. I have gone through my own walls to allow myself to be shown love. Still believing that I don't deserve that much affection, I downplay my pains. Something that even my doctor commented on. It's been two months since I was in hospital, and now I'm here again. It is taxing. I've found ...