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A Good Bad Day

I'm at Netcare Olivedale Hospital. My lungs and heart are playing games with me. 

I don't like this game anymore. 


Most days here are good. I have a stunning doctor.

I'm usually able to clown around, make silly videos, and I have made friends with the nursing sisters. 

People on Twitter have been supportive in different kinds of ways. I met some for the first time while in hospital. How sway? My son is alone at home, but hasn't gone hungry. (You know how teens would rather let their bodies dissolve before making food other than noodles.)

Friendships have been strengthened by this experience.


My dad, my awkward, black dad tells me he loves me, daily. He calls me. Daily. 


People comment on how I don't look sick at all (it's the constant supply of pure oxygen, I tell you!)

 

So convinced that I look cool here.

It's easy for someone else who's in the same situation I'm in, but who isn't dealing with things the same way, to judge themselves adversely, and believe that they are not positive enough. It's easy for us to compare our reactions and create mental ideas of how bad we are at things. 


Therefore it's important for me to say that yesterday, 20 Apr 2024, was what we can call a crappy day. 

Tri-ball exercise 

I received good news about weaning off oxygen supply. The physiotherapist was exceptionally friendly yesterday; we did some minor boxing exercises. Breathing training on my tri-ball improved, and I wasn't gasping for air after a mere shower. 

All good things. 

So, why was I not having a good day? Why was I in tears for most of it? 

I do not know. 

And later on, I decided that that's alright. 


I went on to crave comfort food. I had the appetite of a Babylonian king. Belteshazaar would be most proud!

One moment you're positive. The next you're hopeless. you feel guilty, you feel like life hates you. You may even be temporarily suicidal. None of those emotions make you who you are. They're always temporary. And no, we can't always choose to be happy. Sometimes anguish overwhelms us.

That's okay.


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