Clean Girl

 

Chapter 1

Fresh.  He always calls me ‘fresh’ and I like it. It makes me feel giddy inside. Giddy? Am I…? No, I don’t know what that feels like. I don’t know if this is it. I’m not sure if I can ask my favourite aunt when she visits. Nevermind, my great aunt is home, and I think this woman can hear my thoughts, so let me sit in front of the TV and watch whatever is there.

Our life was very strict, food was always healthy, and having a clean body was viewed as being closer to God. Why did God create sweat if I couldn’t walk around in it? I wondered from a young age. At any rate, asking questions that seemed to question the faith was tantamount to purchasing your own ticket to Satan’s bedside. I don’t like Satan. He’s red and enjoys way too much fire. 

We lived in a mixed household, a whole extended family in one place. Life was about piety, accompanied by endless hymns about a better life in another realm. We ate very little, as was required by whatever deity they worshiped. Treats came in the form of a sugary concentrate drink. At least for me. There were other treats, but they were for the better people. Not me. Not for Teso. That’s my name by the way. Teso. 

 

Chapter 2

It was my day again. I didn’t know it from the morning, but we were headed to my admirer’s place. I only realised as our old car took that familiar turn. I was both excited and frightened. What if today I’m not ‘fresh’? Whatever that meant. I never quite understood, but I always suspected that the smell of bathtime disinfectant made me smell really good and fresh. I didn’t use any last night, so maybe I won’t be so loved and adored. 

The first person I saw there was my friend, Rennie. We jumped about like two little girls and started blabbing about everything all at once. In this home, I was not restricted to speaking below a certain decibel. I didn’t have to hide my joy, except for one joy. The joy after my lover shows me his appreciation of my existence. Rennie and I spent the rest of the morning doing some chores. Enjoying our chores, because it gave us the rare chance to giggle and whisper about our secrets and how we are loved despite being unimportant at our respective homes. Rennie had her own lover. She was sure that it was love. Lunchtime was not my favourite time. You see, I was used to square food, and in this home, they ate anything. Animal ofal, chicken skin, animal fat. No! Leave me out of it, thank you.

 

Chapter 3

Does she know? Can this old woman really hear my thoughts? Last night she didn’t insist on policing my bath water. Tonight, I am being drenched in cloudy water from a disinfectant liquid. No. It can’t be. She can’t feel my heart pounding with fear and a measure of cautious joy. She can’t know what my day has been like. She’s probably insisting on keeping her home spotless by making sure that everyone who spent time at the “other” relatives is disinfected from their ungodly ways. Yes. That’s it.

It can’t be that she can sense that today my lover called me in and held me in his arms. I fit well in his arms. At first, I was happy, and I giggled louder than a schoolgirl. “Hush, my fresh one. They mustn’t hear us. They won’t be happy.” It was the first time he spoke to me away from others. The first time we shared a moment. I was excited. I don’t know why. He felt my soft belly, and I giggled again. This time, he hushed me with a sterner voice. He loves me, so I knew he was doing this for my own good. I don’t want to go outside right now anyway. I don’t want anyone to ruin my moment of importance. I’m not important anywhere else except with him. 

I don’t know when it happened, but I felt a sensation rise from the bottom of my belly all the way to my head, and I needed to scream in delight, but I didn’t want us to be found. He was looking straight at my face, smiling while making me feel what was the first of many such joys. What was this feeling? Why did I not want it to end? What other good things is the world hiding from me? His face disappeared from in front of mine, but I didn’t mind this because I was in ecstasy. 

Then… pain! Pain that I had also never felt before. 

“Shhhh. Don’t worry. It will be over soon.” 

It wasn’t over soon enough for me. It was unpleasant and the complete opposite of the earlier joy. He, however, had the face of absolute joy. That made me feel like I was doing something good for my lover. Yes, this was my lover now. Whatever this was. It must be what Rennie has been talking about. She never called it by the name I later learned. She always said about her lover, “He was doing me.” 

I was also being done then. Yes?

Eventually, he stopped. Then he rushed to wipe me, which made me wince but reminded me of days when the old lady used to wash my genitalia with a sackcloth. Only, this time, it was painful. He looked at me and told me that I was the best and that I was delicious. 

Hey! I was fresh and delicious. 

So, that evening when my water was clouded with disinfectant, I wondered if the old lady knew. I wondered if she could sense my joy. My joy was not her favourite thing. I wondered if he had not wiped me properly such that no one sees our little secret.

I went to bed feeling fresh. Dirty, but fresh. 

My lover taught me a new lesson about loving a man: allow him to do you. See his happy face and be happy. 

The next time he did me, it was not as unpleasant as the last. It got easier with time.

One day, while we were at my lover’s home, two of the younger men wanted to try to do me and Rennie at the same time in the same room. I don’t know about Rennie, but I was not comfortable with that. I also was not accustomed to saying, “no.” to men or older people. So, I agreed. I already knew what to do, so I undressed. I didn’t enjoy it though, because you see, this one didn’t touch me in the right places first. He just wanted to do me immediately. Then the two of them ran away giggling like school boys. Later on, they said that we were playing and it was not serious. It was only a game. 

That same afternoon, my lover arrived from wherever and wanted his dues. He never had to ask. I followed him. Everyone around us thought it was cute. No one knew our real joy. 

That afternoon, his gentle touch at all the right places undid the shoddy work of that little thug who thought he could just steal my man’s jewels. He held me tight. He ran his hands down my curvy sides and put them in the jewel chest. That feeling. Oh, the ecstasy. My toes tingled, my tummy felt tickled, and my head was filled with celestial bodies. The initial pain of him coming into me quickly turned into a mix between pain and pleasure. 

This was my lover. 

I was a clean girl no more. I knew it. I felt it. I didn’t dare talk about it, except to Rennie. 

 

Chapter 4

I don’t know where Rennie is today, or what became of her. She always seemed sad to go home after our little visits to this home. Whose home was it? I don’t know either. 

Rennie and I had not started school yet when all of this happened. And in our first year of school, we lost contact. 

I don’t know my lover’s name, and I cannot remember his face. He seemed old then, but everyone seems old to a five-year-old girl. 

— END —