Needless Needles

Night 10, morning 11.

I'm beginning to love the smell of penicillin. 

I have been graduated from high care to a general ward. I'm still in an isolation chamber. Which is just as well, because my fear of a secondary infection has materialised. 

Last nig
ht I was afraid to sleep because of two incidents involving a closed windpipe (how useless can a body be to constantly lock itself out of life?)

I was sure that if I fell asleep for the night, Leandro, my 17-year-old pride and joy, would never be able to say "mom" ever again.

I've said it before that it's not the thought of dying that bothers me, as frightening as I have since found that feeling out to be. What bothers me is leaving my son without me. I'm an unskilled parent, but my son knows me and I know him. I'm the only person who fully understands whether his little scowl is from a girl problem, or a gaming problem. 

On night 10, it didn't help that I had the first uncouth night nurse to be responsible for my care. I have a lot of negative things to say about how she made me feel. I'd like to think that she wasn't trying to make me feel this way, but her communication style made me nervous, uncomfortable and afraid.

At a point I had had a "stopped breathing" incident that two other nurses had helped me with. 

A while later, I relayed my body pains to this new nurse, plus the incident since she didn't witness it.

It was like she was witnessing a beluga whale try to speak English. I know I can sometimes resemble a beluga whale if you squint your left eye 65°, but I'm sure she understood me, because she brushed me off and told me she'd 'tell the doctor tomorrow.'

Gasp (literally)

"Would you like me to die now or wait?" I thought. 

I felt distressed and alone. I made a plan to stay up all night. I was gonna sleep in shifts, with the help of my own phone alarm. 

 

Later on, I fell asleep and started snoring. That scared me. It usually scares my dog too. At some point our nurse came and gave me unscented vapes (nebuliser. Get with it.) She also upped the oxygen. 

I just felt a warm body next to me. I think nurse was just doing her job trying to not wake up this nervous whale.

Then started the theatre. I sent messages to anyone who would listen, and those who just happened to ask how I'm doing. 

Friends, family and colleagues (some aware of my feelings, some not) sent me messages, prayers, reassurances.

One friend said, "Go to sleep, Gugz. It's late." Just sommer net so. 😫

I eventually slept, probably just after 1:00. 

Let me mention that our nurse came later to check if I'm sleeping. I wasn't. I took the opportunity to explain my fears again. She was so confused. It was like I had never told her this. So I started over and relayed the story, giving her the benefit, and purely believing that I misunderstood this poor woman. 

Her response: you will wake up. Doctor wouldn't bring you to this ward to die. Don't give up. Your child needs you. Walks away. 

You know what? She's not mean. She's just not geared towards responding to distressed humans. I don't know. Maybe I'm an attention whore. 

At 3:30, I woke up to being touched, again. Dear reader, this is the most amount of touching I'm getting okay. I've slept alone every night for the past decade or so. 

It was a blood technician/ engineer/ officer/ stabber. 

When I woke up, the first message I saw was from the blazé friend who earlier told me to go sleep. He had just sent it. I reassured him that I made it. He told me to go back to sleep because it's still bed time.

I sent a complaint email to the patient liaison officer. But regretted it after nurse came to check if I was okay. I don't want her to be anxious at work. 12-hour shifts are gruelling. I wrote back to say that the matter is resolved.

But that Netcare Olivedale liaison officer, Ms D, still came to my bed early in the morning. She sat down and gave me an ear. A real ear, including about how I regret sending the mail. She works! She set a bright tone for me day.

I laughed at myself for the drama I had just gone through. 

Friend, it was scary. I was truly frightened. I was sure that they would have to lie to my family about what happened, so I sent a detailed message to the family chat group. 

I sent one when I woke up too, to make sure that no one is left wondering when they wake up. 

Of course, I sent a special message to mom. She was up. That hurts me because I know why. She doesn't know me as one to give up. Last night I gave up. She didn't sleep. 

Good news. She allowed my Lola to sleep by her feet for the first time. My black mom! We laughed about it.

I know why Lola did it. I think my mom knows it too, because she's so pleased with her. 

I did not die.

Yeah, I woke up at 3:30 while choking and thinking this is it. But I woke up and I'm ready decide on the subject of the next podcast.

~ Your struggle matters. No matter how seemingly small.